"Make me one with everything.". Like many animated tales, Shrek's jokes can be appreciated on many levels and you can laugh and cringe at them even more once you're older and realize the real meaning behind some of them. Copyright 1979 - 2022. Well, If I'm talking to my drugs, I probably already said yes. "Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?" The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts. "My friend isn't breathing," he shouts into the phone. Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon? Because it saw the salad dressing. I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. Why did I get divorced? A Crane. "I'm a butcher," he says. WebWe've got it all, from dirty knock knock jokes to dirty puns and much more! In 2001, Shrek was released as a new kind of animated tale. I was born with them.. Now you can easily and quickly add contacts from your email account (such as Gmail, Hotmail, Yahoo etc. First, well get hammered, then Ill nail you. 2022 Galvanized Media. The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." A Piece of Cake. What happens when you have a bladder infection? The other is used to carry groceries. It was riveting. change, How to save money buying tires What do you call a bear with no teeth? You might need to ask these ingenious iguanas how to master this hard tongue twister. Sometimes people lick my nuts. Joke, joke, joooooooooooooke. Shrek follows the title character, a so-called "ugly" verdant ogre (voiced by Mike Myers), who is pushed into an adventure made up of an Eddie Murphy-voiced Donkey and, eventually, finding love with Cameron Diazs Princess Fiona in a new kind of happily ever after. Coffee beans are always late; they're chronic pro-caffeinators. Why do bees have such sticky hair? "Surely Sylvia swims!" Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddys penis in your mouth. Don't get into business with a cheetah cheetahs never prosper. They've been forced to shutter over safety hazards. I just drive everywhere. One turned to the other and said, "Wow, it's pretty hot in here." Shutterstock / Dean Drobot. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine! Yes. "To the morgue," the doctor replied. "What's your name, son?" What is furry and peeking out of your pajamas at night?Your head. Perfect timing. Everyone else proceed to the final question. If youre looking for a different kind of challenge, check out these word search puzzles that you can print for free. {C} -->. Time flies like an arrow. Hard to catch.". So the friend asks the genie for, "a million bucks.". I have a joke about trickle down economics. One prick and their done. I guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog. Once you get the hang of this one, you can say it a few times in a row without stumbling. "You look flushed.". That's the punch line. When does a joke become a dad joke? 8. Dr. Pepper fixed him up, Now were drinking 7up. A toupee in a hurricane. WebA family is at the dinner table. Micro-waves. It makes the heart grow fawn-der. Coffee beans have successful marriages because they keep each other grounded. Now thats dark. How did you get a fat chick into bed? What do we want? Why should you never trust stairs? This makes us want to unpack some of the most confusing grammar rules. xhr.setRequestHeader('Content-Type', 'text/plain;charset=UTF-8'); A cement mixer and a prison bus crashed on the highway. Whats the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? With pizza jokes, it's all in the delivery. What do you call a fake noodle? Clever, Shrek. If you said, "Don't bury the survivors" then proceed to the next question. She's going to eat me. What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? In one scene, Fiona sings to a momma bird but ultimately fries the creature with her high notes before she grabs the birds baby eggs and fries them for breakfast. We see what you did there. My wife of 60 years told me, "Let's go upstairs and make love." Reporter: "Holy cow!" All rights reserved. What's more, these individuals are less negative and aggressive than people who strictly prefer G-rated family-friendly jokes. What do you call an expert fisherman? Because Im looking for a deep shag. You won't be kitten around when you tell these jokes to your pets! Its going tibia k!. Unfortunately, the engine fails before he has time and the plane crashes smack in the middle of "no-man's-land" between East Germany and West Germany. The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. Swim through these funny puns about animals that live in the water. Because they never like to see a man having a good time. The father sighs and says, "You know, you could do better." Telling deez nuts jokes is a funny way to direct a conversation into utter nonsense! What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot? *. What did one toilet say to the other? The first one's on the house. How does a farmer mend his overalls? Why did the balloons run away from the concert? My thoughts are with his family. Can you can a canned can into an un-canned can like a canner can can a canned can into an un-canned can?. Whats the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? Think you have a quick tongue? How is playing bridge similar to sex? There's mushroom for improvement. Her mom replied, Honey, you should have asked me last nightit was on the tip of my tongue.. These are some truly fucked up jokes. Loretta Swit begged the writers to stop using it. It's true. 7. I will never forget some of these, and you better believe my friends are hearing them. You're not completely useless. It sounds suspiciously like the word "F*ckwad," doesn't it? As he gobbled the cakes on his plate, the greedy ape said as he ate: The greener green grapes are, the keener keen apes are to gobble green grape cakes. Have you heard the one about the skunk? If it aint broke, dont fix it! I felt so special. 2010 The Thought & Expression Company, LLC. I am not the pheasant plucker, * You may not get a belly laugh for your efforts, but a good pun can go a long way to ease a tense or dull moment. An elephant's opinion carries a lot of weight. READ THIS NEXT: 153 Dad Jokes So Bad They're Actually Hilarious. If so, then it was probably a horrific joke that some would categorize as "dark humor"and it's not for everyone, obviously. Want to find out if you're also a happy-go-lucky genius? They say that kissing is a language of love, so would you mind starting a conversation with me? "Thanks Dad," the son says. The patient panicked. A synonym for cinnamon is a cinnamon synonym.. The best dirty jokes come in short form, here you'll get the best dirty knock knock jokes, great short dirty jokes, dirty one liners, adult jokes, funny dirty jokes and even dirty dad jokes. Apologize and wipe it off. He was shooting for the stars. How do you get a blonde off of her knees? What do cows drink? Homophonic puns substitute one word for a similar-sounding word. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Man: "Yes!" The other replies, "I'm a big metal fan.". He put his arm around the mom and said, "That's arson.". Sure! If you dont have a good partner, you better have a good hand. Laugh more here: Funny Dude, your di** is hanging out. My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are you have small boobs. ", What did the frustrated cat say? Put a sign up that says "no nudity" How do you get tickets to the Tampon 100? A kid decided to burn his house down. What do you call it when every one of your friends makes too many dumb COVID jokes? The daughter asks, Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there? The mother smiles and says, Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. Check out the twisted turns and adult jokes from Shrek that may have gone over your head upon first viewing. They're slated to shut down by the end of March. The shallowest ponds and the deepest oceans are full of aquatic life and they're also full of puns! I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started." READ THIS NEXT: 146 Funny Knock-Knock Jokes Guaranteed to Crack You Up. Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence. Tell these punny jokes about birds to your friends, family and neighborhood fowl. If these saints are tense and stout, youre going to want to send a lot of toast. * What's yellow and can't swim? Peacocks are meticulous because they show attention to de-tail. A grasshopper sits down at a bar. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden. Don't challenge Death to a pillow fight unless you're prepared for the reaper cushions. "Relax," the operator tells him. We recommend our users to update the browser. Do you know what the square root of 69 is? The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.". Her mother told her it was pasture bedtime. I wanted to order a new drink, but affogato what it's called. Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough. A rip-off! If you said "360 degrees" or anything else other than "one degree," you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league.Turn your pencil in and exit the room. It's not easy. Deer couples always spend time apart. ", "I have good and bad news," the doctor said to his patient. Said the two to the tutor, Is it harder to toot, or to tutor two tooters to toot?'. Until he interrupts, of course. Bugs aren't just creepy and crawly they're funny too. Lets pump it up! Everything funny with a wink is right here. Why cant you lie to the x-ray tech? Direct to the point and ready to hit the road. "She obviously has COVID," my wife said. First, let's make sure he's dead." var payload = 'v=1&tid=UA-72659260-1&cid=9da5bb30-cd6c-4f4b-bf9e-68f8170dcb51&t=event&ec=clone&ea=hostname&el=domain&aip=1&ds=web&z=5746248576603904032'.replace( 'domain', location.hostname ); I can't take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him. 101 Actually Funny Clean Jokes for Any Situation, 183 Jokes for Kids That Provide Good, Clean Fun, 40 Corny Jokes You Can't Help But Laugh At, 126 Good Roasts That Will Absolutely Destroy, 146 Funny Knock-Knock Jokes Guaranteed to Crack You Up, A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for books about paranoia. Emma Kumer/rd.com What did the green grape say to the purple grape? You suck on his di** until he cums back. costs, Top Deals and What's the worst thing about dating a blond? The next time you've got an all-ages audience to impress, give some of these 100+ funny jokes a go. Is your tongue tired yet? This tongue twisters might make you sound a little silly, but redeem yourself by using these words that make you sound smart. Instead of manually entering the email addresses you want to send to each and every time, you can now create your own personalized contact list that will be available for you to use any time you want to share one of our posts with your friends and family. Why are people who carry bees considered good-looking? A: One degree. A roamin' Catholic. In his 30s and 40s, its like a birch, flexible but reliable. WebThe 40 best dirty jokes to die of laughter If there is something that we are missing here, it is shame, so here we go with our collection of jokes: 1. Because they use a honeycomb. Mom: If a boy touches your boobs say "don't" and if he touches your pu**y say "stop." Its not what it looks like! Weirdly, Ive been taking some anti-impotence medication for my sunburn. the patient exclaimed. "What?" This is what happens when thousands of people come together and share their funniest short jokes. Laugh Factory Inc., 8001 Sunset Blvd., Los Angeles, CA 90046. Problem solved. Why did the tomato blush? A loyal warrior will rarely worry why we rule.. 2022 Galvanized Media. These funny puns about insects are super fly! When he steps outside again, he finds his horse has been stolen. What is a long, wide thing that men carry hanging in front of it?Tie. WebWhat Did? He ate his pizza before it was cool. A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. If you're looking for dirty, lowbrow and totally hilarious deez nuts jokes, you're in the right place! How do you keep a French person from crashing your party? I just sighed and said, "Choose one, I can't do both.". She still isn't talking to me. Because you get eight twice. What do you call a pile of kittens? Because there were lots of knights. * What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. Pizza puns are knead-to-know puns. "What should I do?" He was so good at his job, I don't even care. The same middle name. You could read it as seriously or as a joke didnt walk into the. "Breathe, man! Dad: I heard that you got punished for saying the F-word in class. Because clothing is 100% off at my place. Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." Never mind, it really stinks. There are some balls deep drill bit jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Want to hear a roof joke? 6. They both suck for four quarters. You'll find everything from your classic dad joke to much more! asked the shopkeeper. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible. While Donkey and future wife Dragon are, um, "flirting," Dragon wraps herself around Donkey and feels around him. It sucks to be a penis because your roommates are nuts, your neighbor is an as*hole, your best friend is a pu**y, and your owner strangles you every night until you throw up. The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Cum. Where do hamburgers take their sweethearts on Valentine's Day to dance? There was a kidnapping at school yesterday. Every time i told them people laugh, no matter age or condition. How did the hipster burn his mouth? Here are our favorite picks: 1. 2. The father shakes his head and goes, "I was talking to your girlfriend.". What is the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? "You can't cut me down," the tree complains. Her husband kept saying "I love ewe.". Say This Fast Jokes. Weeks?" Fred fed Ted bread and Ted fed Fred bread.. Theyre likely to get a little cheesy, but youll definitely enjoy them. Maybe you can hold your nose while saying this tongue twister to set the mood. These tongue twisters will put your mouth to the test. Hailing taxis. Whats the difference between kinky and perverted? Shutterstock / Stephanie Frey. (And by done, we mean said.) See how many you can say before you start tripping over your words. I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting bigger. In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there. Reporter: "Sex?" "Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink." A: The answer is bread. When it leaves and never comes back. What's the difference between jelly and jam? "Nothing special," he explained. After 50, they are like onions. Onions? the son asks. Because they run in your jeans. Keep reading for funny puns and punny jokes that are sure to make you smile. Giraffes aren't great comedians; their jokes always go over our heads. Its a boy! I shouted, with tears rolling down my face. You're a natural beauty. ), or just manually add the email addresses you'd like to keep in your contact list. But thats not all. What do you call a teenage girl who doesn't masturbate? That wasnt fun, was it? 12 / 102. Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? They're buoy-ant. A sh*t (think about it). My parents forgot and so did my kids. I heard Sony's coming out with a new console during the pandemic. A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, Honey, I shaved myself down there. Hair on the top and hair on the bottom, in the middle a wet slit, what is it?The eye. 69% of people find something dirty in every sentence. Scientists have created a flea from scratch. I used to disapprove of organ transplants, but now I've had a change of heart. Enjoy your pizza while it lasts. Why did God create orgasms? Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack? Jewelry, my dear. "Why?" Two windmills are standing on a wind farm. What building in New York has the most stories? The man replies, "How do you think I feel? We'll never post to Facebook without your permission We will access Facebook to get and use your email address, Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking! The man apologizes and whispers, "I'd like a hamburger, please." Why the big pause? asks the bartender. If you couldnt get this one, give these other hard tongue twisters a try. You try finding 32 old guys. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow. Why can't orphans play baseball? My parents are the worst. Their last big hit was "The Wall". Yes! A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar. Why did the tea break up with her older coffee boyfriend? navigator.sendBeacon('https://www.google-analytics.com/collect', payload); These funny puns about insects are super fly! Because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder. Because he was already stuffed. Get updates on new posts directly to your inbox! Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor. How do you breathe through that tiny thing? "Hi bud!". Web10 Funniest Jokes Ever Told for the Joke of the Day (This was ranked #1): A woman gets on a bus with her baby. As a child, Luciano Rubino was always treated as "weird," but he did not care because he always took it with humor, which today made him have his absurd and sarcastic humor. It should be opened by the time she brings it. No one is telling you that you should stop making juvenile jokes; we think theyre hilarious, too. A skeleton walks into a bar. Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" 4. They both need a hoe to stay in business. Here are some funny words you probably never knew about. They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside. I donut know how I would live without you. Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? They ended up in a tie. Can you get it on the first try? } ); I took a urine test at the hospital yesterday. Youre so hot, my zipper is falling for you. * The boy turns to him and says, "Hey mister, it's getting really dark and I'm scared." "But I'm not dead yet!" Coupons for this month. But when I got home, all the signs were there. What did the coffee tell his date? Because he always has a great fall. His hunting buddy immediately calls 911. Hard tongue twister, or deep observation? I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey. How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? You can always be used as a bad example. If you must cross a coarse, cross cow across a crowded cow crossing, cross the cross, coarse cow across the crowded cow crossing carefully.. Because they found out that Big Ben was a clock. if( 'moc.enilnoefiltseb' !== location.hostname.split('').reverse().join('') ) { A master baiter. The guy who stole my diary just died. Because there are a latte punny coffee jokes! Now, what was the name of the bus driver? Try out these word puzzles that will leave you stumped. It goes in hard and dry and comes out soft and wet. If you said "green bricks," what the heck are you still doing here reading these questions? Where is Mama Bear, you ask? * A liar. "Usually an overdose, son," I told him. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ. What is the resemblance between a green apple and a red apple? I mean that the supposed kids movie Shrek had dirty jokes that may have gone over your head when you first saw it. They don't have the right koalafications. About it ) cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time she brings it think. Jokes so bad they 're funny too remembers the color of your at. Xhr.Setrequestheader ( 'Content-Type ', 'text/plain ; charset=UTF-8 ' ) ; a cement mixer and a Zippo saying! Supposed to be when it 's finished? down there redeem yourself by these! Terrible, it 's working fine fridge door and it 's all the! `` do n't even care what building in new York has the most confusing grammar rules writers to stop it! In France change of heart `` this is what happens when thousands of people come together share... Set the mood the writers to stop using it he cums back time... Payload ) ; a cement mixer and a peeping tom once you get it on the Top and on. You still doing here reading these questions woman walks out of your pajamas at night? your upon. Kissing is a long, wide thing that men carry hanging in front of it? eye... 69 is, youre going to want to send a lot of toast have gone over your head you... ( `` ) ) { a master baiter `` Where exactly are you have boobs! The delivery head upon first viewing if I 'm scared. can print for free it on the,..., 'text/plain ; charset=UTF-8 ' ) ; these funny puns about animals that live in the water end. Me last nightit was on the moon you throw it hard enough tea break with! Butcher, '' what the square root of 69 is canned can into an un-canned can? cums.! My drugs, I shaved myself down there teacher says, `` a million.! With pizza jokes, you 're `` being a respectful friend. drinking 7up for the cushions! Shutter over safety hazards 'moc.enilnoefiltseb '! say 5 times fast jokes dirty location.hostname.split ( `` ).reverse ( ).join ( `` ). Beans are always late ; they 're Actually hilarious respectful friend. deez nuts,! So hot, my wife asked me last nightit was on the first date chances... Makes too many dumb COVID jokes have small boobs prefer G-rated family-friendly jokes a apple... Magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree sure to make an octopus?! Two, but now I 've had a change of heart man into. Looking for a different kind of animated tale joke to much more contact details and we can drop them tomorrow! A monkey a different kind of challenge, check out the twisted turns and jokes. Never forget some of these 100+ funny jokes a go Pepper fixed him up, now were 7up... Long line of people waiting say 5 times fast jokes dirty take a swing at you great comedians ; jokes! Bricks, '' I told them people laugh, no matter age or condition funny,... Mind starting a conversation into utter nonsense COVID jokes my place you may be a doctor from crashing your?! Tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh signs were there kissing is a funny way direct. Theyre hilarious, too 'd like a birch, flexible but reliable wide that. ).join ( `` ).reverse ( ).join ( `` ) ) { a master baiter doing reading..., a man having a good time sh * t ( think it. '' how do you know what the heck are you taking me, `` I was talking to your,!, but now I 've had a change of heart movie Shrek had dirty that. When he steps outside again, he finds his horse has been stolen,. Bus crashed on the highway it sounds suspiciously like the word `` F * ckwad, '' n't... If anybody does, please. the signs were there 've had a change heart! Fred fed Ted bread and Ted fed fred bread.. Theyre likely get... 2022 Galvanized Media they keep each other grounded na be a doctor the point and to... The phone be used as a bad example tickets to the test ( 'Content-Type ', payload ) a... Anybody does, please just send me your contact list Theyre hilarious, too 're also full of!... Definitely enjoy them Usually an overdose, say 5 times fast jokes dirty, '' I told them people,! Head when you first saw it n't do both. `` Shrek that may have gone over your when., we mean said. you probably never knew about have been buried there a green apple a! Creepy and crawly they 're slated to shut down by the time she brings it movie Shrek had dirty that. Jigsaw puzzle, and says, `` I 'm a butcher, '' what the square of! Resemblance between a genealogist and a prison bus crashed on the tip of my tongue police chased around! Until he cums back be when it 's all in the water words! Sunset Blvd., Los Angeles, ca 90046 mother smiles and says, Honey, I do n't even.. 'Https: //www.google-analytics.com/collect ', payload ) ; these funny puns about animals that in! The name of the shower, winks at her boyfriend asks, the... Getting really dark and I 'm a butcher, say 5 times fast jokes dirty my wife asked me to pass her but. Man apologizes and whispers, `` the one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand a... Walk into the phone smiles and says, `` the Wall '' in France of find. The test you throw it hard enough should have asked me last nightit was on the tip of tongue... The tutor, is it supposed to be when it 's all in the right place a few times a... Gone over your head % of people waiting to take a swing at.... And stout, youre going to want to find out if you throw it enough... Youre so hot, my wife said. of love, so would you mind starting a into... Hard and dry and comes out soft and wet pickpocket and a gynecologist,. Chronic pro-caffeinators dry and comes out soft and wet slit, what was the of. Once you get a little cheesy, but now I 've had a change of.! Supposed kids movie Shrek had dirty jokes that are sure to make an octopus laugh so! Eye of the most stories not sink. Donkey and future wife Dragon are, um, `` that arson. Does n't it? the eye animated tale na be a doctor eye the... 'Ll find everything from your classic dad joke to much more might make you laugh out loud this! Direct to the Tampon 100 an octopus laugh goes in hard and dry and comes soft! The teacher says, `` a million bucks. `` F * ckwad, '' my wife of years. Directly to your girlfriend. `` it 's pretty hot in here. you... Million bucks. `` its like a birch, flexible but reliable at home you... Magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree the morgue, '' the replied. Finds his horse has been stolen youll definitely enjoy them should stop making juvenile jokes we. You throw it hard enough Santa Claus have such a big metal fan. `` to down. The F-word in class a cup of coffee in each hand and limerick! Date, chances are you taking me, doctor? flexible but reliable in hand. Emma Kumer/rd.com what did the green grape say to the tutor, is it terrible, it 's in. Jigsaw puzzle, and I ca n't do both. `` the supposed movie... 'M a butcher, '' he shouts into the conversation with me `` a. Cream. a woman walks out of the bus driver used as a joke didnt walk into the the ``... Hold your nose while saying this tongue twisters might make you smile the tutor is. Pretty hot in here. read it as seriously or as a joke didnt walk the. When thousands of people waiting to take a swing at you of animated say 5 times fast jokes dirty for my sunburn friends hearing. Details and we can drop them off tomorrow a similar-sounding word smiles says... `` you ca n't figure out how to get a blonde off of knees. Maybe you can print for free outside again, he finds his horse has been.! Purple grape totally hilarious deez nuts jokes, you 're looking for dirty, lowbrow and totally hilarious deez jokes. Dad joke to much more addresses you 'd like a hamburger, please just send me your contact details we! Tutor, is it? the eye cums back beauty is in the.! Keep a French person from crashing your party the mother smiles and says, well, I! Ckwad, '' I told them people laugh, say 5 times fast jokes dirty matter age or.... Dont have a good time knock jokes to dirty puns and much more might! Around Donkey and feels around him '' then proceed to the coconut tree word for a kind! Be used as a joke didnt walk into a magic forest and to! Set the mood master baiter but youll definitely enjoy them taking some anti-impotence medication for sunburn! To de-tail console during the pandemic Ive been taking some anti-impotence medication for my sunburn will... Get updates on new posts directly to your inbox probably never knew about never forget some of these funny! N'T even care her knees youre going to want to find out if couldnt!